Friday, 6 April 2018

Marriage, Kids, Adoption

So I read this post written by my friend about marriage and I was like, 'Wah, I've been meaning to write something similar but don't know hot to put in words,' and as always, it is always kinda scary to write something that does not fit within Indonesian society. 'Warganet bakal bilang apose nanti??'

But anyway, let me try. Actually my view on marriage and having kid(s) evolves in time.

Let's just start on the beginning a.k.a. when I did my bachelor. That was the first time I was exposed directly with marriage environment where I saw some of students get married even before they finished their bachelor study. Yes, they're young indeed. Back then, I saw that thing as some kind of achievement and at one point in my bachelor getting married before finishing study was a life goal. How great is that to have a husband in your graduation day. It usually happens in the environment where the couple are pretty religious because it is explicitly seen that the sooner the better (also as a preventing measure of premarital sex, which I would disagree on it. If you don't want to do, it just won't happen, if you want, that happen anyway. Ok, but that's not my point). So how about me? Am I pretty religious? Nope, I am not pretty religious, I am just pretty, full-stop. But again, talking about religiosity is not also my point.

My point is, now I don't see marriage (at young age) is an achievement, it does not solve your life problem, and it does not guarantee your happiness. Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful thing, and I may want to get married one day, but it is not as beautiful as social media depict it. Have you seen Gone Girl? Of course that the extreme.

I still want to get married If I think I find somebody right, but now I don't feel like an obligation and I can see myself being fine even If I am a single. Term and condition applied: I don't live in Indonesia a.k.a I live in Nordic area or Western Europe XD. As one of my friend said, "I'd rather have short good marriage (cos getting married not at young age) rather than long terrible one." Of course there is such thing as long-good married, but some of us just cannot have everything can't we?   

Having a kid is like a default option for me back then when I still thought that getting married is an achievement. Although I never see anything wrong with people who decide not to have kids, I have always wanted to have one(s) back then. Now? If I ever get married (or not cos it works as well rite XD), I may want to have. I repeat, I MAY. Yes, I've changed. Why?! Carbon footprint? Nope. Overpopulation problem? Nope. It is simply because teenager scares me. I look back at my teenage time and I loath myself in so many ways, ewwww!!! (I was not even a bad teenager who tried stuff just out of curiosity or because I wanted to looked cool). I don't know how my parents managed. Another thing that scares me is that the idea of ideal kid from Indonesian society and my parents. That shaleh-shaleha thing, I just can't. Because  raising a kindhearted kid with strong grit will not be enough.

Again, some religious people will argue that having a kid is a good investment since  it is one of three lasting good deeds (in my belief, once you die all deeds just stop, except three things, one of those three is  having virtuous descendants). But you know what? I think I am doing ok with the other two lasting deeds: sadaqah jariyah (deeds when people continue to benefit despite the person who commence it die already) and knowledge which is beneficial (as long as people benefit from this knowledge, the person will receive 'reward').

But again, we'll never know, people change. Maybe tomorrow I go back to my initial thought that having a kid is compulsory.

"Do you consider adoption?" once my friend asked. That was only about two years ago when I was still in Singapore.
"Hmmm, maybe. If I want a kid and we (me and husband) cannot have by ourselves. But that is definitely last resort," I said.
"I don't know, I just want to have my own."
"You think that it is not 'mother enough' if you adopt?"
" I don't know."

And just in two years I completely change. I see adoption as a beautiful thing, there is no shame in it whether you choose to do so because you just want or you cannot have kids yourself. I even now have more respect to people who adopt more than anything else. Why? As I said, some people have kids because it is a default option once you get married/have a partner. It can just happen even when you don't want it and don't feel like ready. On the flip side, adoption usually is a deliberate decision. The person/couple consider many aspect and ponder whether they really want it and ready for it. Not to mention a long process and complicated paperwork. For instance in America, I once saw a couple told story that they waited for two years until they got the match. They went through long administration process with many visits from social service (it is social service right? or how do you call them?). So what happens is, the government want to reassure that the couple/person who want to adopt are eligible. Do they have enough resource? Are they good enough? Reliable and stable as parents? Those checking process does not happen with person/couple who have baby on their own, right? They just have it. It does not matter if they are unstable and may cause physical and emotional damage to the innocent human being. (Btw, I always believe that parents damage their kids in one or another way. Some are mildly some are badly. Just so you know, when I was still fat, like properly fat, the biggest bully was my dad...aha..aha...ahahahah, that's why I agreed with my parents to see nutritionist, the basic reason was to make them stop with the bully..aha..aha....ahahahaha. Btw, I know they did not mean it, they just want me to be healthy but the manifestation were just terribly wrong). Back to the adoption. I see nothing wrong but beautiful thing in it. Remember a police woman who wanted to adopt baby in Medan (if I am not wrong) but she was not allowed because of her religion? Her religion is minority that is why she was rejected. I am insulted. Religion is the reason why an innocent human being who was  abandoned could not grow with love from woman? 

Anyway, again, I am talking way off track. The point is, adoption usually comes from deliberate decision with long serious-process. The parents-to-be can be more ready compared to the normal parents. So, it should not be seen as something negative.


Indeed, life experience and environmental exposure change people. That is how I see marriage, kids, and adoption today. Who knows about tomorrow, I'll probably change again.